


it's not confidental

by fictionalcandie



Series: the one where Sirius is sometimes a girl [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Coda, Confrontations, Explanations, Gen, Implied Gender or Sex Swap, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-17
Updated: 2014-02-17
Packaged: 2018-01-11 21:58:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1178414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionalcandie/pseuds/fictionalcandie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Of course, the Death Eaters were never <em>really</em> the responsible party.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's not confidental

James, looking grumpy, opens the door after the third time Remus pounds on it.

“Bloody hell, what’s got your knickers in a wad?” James mutters, but he holds the door wide for Remus, just the same.

“Where’s Sirius?” Remus demands, not bothering with any sort of polite greeting for the sadly-duped, and strides into the apartment.

Sirius is sprawled across the couch, reading a disturbingly thick book of which Remus doesn’t bother being suspicious. It probably details how to take over countries and crush dreams _in completely absurd fashion_. He marches over, yanks Sirius to his feet, and drags him right back out the front door over James’s loud, startled protests. James probably figures Sirius must deserve whatever Remus has planned, though—or else he just doesn’t want to know—because he doesn’t _actually_ try to stop them.

Probably because Sirius doesn’t look even the tiniest bit alarmed. Which he _absolutely should_. Remus could _strangle_ him.

Once the door is closed, and seems likely to stay that way, Remus rounds on Sirius and scowls.

“Seriously, Moony,” Sirius says, blinking rapidly, like he’s all innocence. “What’s up with you?”

“You did it to yourself,” Remus says.

Sirius doesn’t react, at all, not even to ask what Remus means, which erases any doubts Remus might have had about it.

“Shit,” he says, throwing up his hands. “ _You did it to yourself_?”

Sirius tilts his head to the side, like a curious puppy. Or a spider in a web, deciding whether or not to eat _the only sane person he knows_. “Is there any point in me pretending I don’t know what you’re on about?”

“You turned yourself _into a girl_ ,” Remus says, more loudly. “On _purpose_.”

“Well, it’s not the sort of thing that usually happens by accident, is it?” Sirius says, shrugging. Like _it doesn’t even matter_.

Remus shoves his hands through his hair so he doesn’t try to strangle Sirius—because it wouldn’t work since Sirius could totally fight him off, and even if Sirius couldn’t James would never forgive him; _not_ because Sirius doesn’t deserve it. “What the hell is wrong with you?” Remus demands. “Why would you even do something like that?”

“It was part of the plan,” Sirius explains, shrugging again. “A rather crucial part, actually.”

“Seriously?” Remus considers beating his head against the nearest wall. He’d probably suffer more from it than Sirius, but it might be worth it anyway. Maybe if he did it hard enough he’d knock himself out and give himself amnesia, so when he’d wake up he wouldn’t be able to remember any of this idiocy. “How would you even come up with a plan that involves sex-swapping in the _first place_?”

“What, you’re not going to ask how I did it?”

“No, I am not. You know why? Because I _don’t want to know_ , because you are clearly _insane_ to have tried it at all, and—Just, _fucking hell_ , Sirius.”

“This is why I didn’t tell you beforehand,” Sirius says, his tone conversational. He could be talking about the weather, or when he’s ever going to get a job. “You’re kind of flipping out.”

Remus rubs at his temples, trying to stave off the migraine that’s been building since he’d figured out what Sirius had done. “Did you tell _anyone_ what you were doing beforehand?”

“Of course not,” Sirius says. He sounds _indignant_ , Christ. “That would have been stupid.”

Stupid. Right.

“So no-one knew?”

“Well, Lily guessed after a couple of weeks, but that doesn’t really count.” Sirius grins, and it’s his fucking proud-of-himself grin that Remus got _far_ too familiar with at Hogwarts. “She wasn’t even positive, until I told her she was right.”

“I can’t believe you,” Remus groans. Except that, really, he totally can.

“You’re just jealous I thought of such a cunning plan all by myself,” Sirius says.

“No, I am not, because you _turned yourself into a girl_.”

Sirius’s eyebrow goes up, and his face goes cool and Black and _exactly the opposite of the reaction Remus is going for_. “There’s nothing wrong with being a girl, Moony.”

“No, there isn’t,” Remus agrees, and it only sounds half as frustrated as he feels, which is still pretty damn frustrated. “But there _is_ something wrong with—with using what was probably dark magic to bloody well turn yourself into one _just to seduce_ your supposed best friend!”

There’s a pause, during which Remus stares at Sirius and scowls, and Sirius stares back. He blinks a couple of times. It’s not the least bit reassuring to Remus.

“To be fair, it was a totally _legal_ spell,” Sirius eventually says.

“Probably only because it’s so obscure and bizarre nobody else has even remembered at any point in the last five hundred years that it existed,” Remus snaps.

“Oh, please,” Sirius says, waving a hand under Remus’s nose dismissively. “It was in my grandfather’s personal grimoire.”

“How did you even— _Sirius_!”

“What?”

“I can’t _believe_ you!”

Sirius sighs. He crosses his arms. “Look. Moony. What’s the big deal, anyway? Things all worked out exactly how I wanted them to.”

“You used _probably dark magic_ —No, don’t try to argue again, we _all_ know what your family’s known for—to turn yourself into a girl so you could seduce your best friend, _without even telling anyone_. Anything could have happened to you. You could have died!”

“Oh,” Sirius says, his shoulders loosening and his arms uncrossing. “Is that the real problem, then?”

“You daft git, this is—this is _serious_.”

Sirius doesn’t take the obvious opening for the bad pun.

Instead, he puts his hands on Remus’s shoulders, meets Remus’s eyes with his own, and says,

“Moony. Come on, even if I’d screwed it up—which I didn’t—there’s really only one likely side effect.”

“‘ _Likely_ ’,” Remus says, with a slow, sinking sense of dread.

“So really,” Sirius goes on, brightly. “You should just relax, okay?”

“Yeah. Okay. What’s the side effect?” Remus asks. It’s _probably_ better to figure out right now, and not wait until it comes up later, probably in the worst and most embarrassing fashion possible.

Sirius smiles widely.

Too widely.

“The ability to switch sexes is permanent.”

Remus makes a noise of which he’ll be ashamed later, and buries his face in his hands.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm [on tumblr](http://fictionalcandie.tumblr.com/). Yep. That's a thing that's happening.


End file.
